[ RadSafe ] Its Friday: Plackards and Warnings

[Baumbaugh, Joel SPAWAR]

Radsafers,

I had some "material" shipped to me (by someone with a warped sense of
humor) with the warnings below attached to it. 

As scientists and concerned citizens, I know that we all applaud the
recent trend towards excessive DOT/IATA legislation which requires the
prominent placing of warnings on products that present essentially no
hazard to the general public. However, we must also consider that such
warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what
is REALLY necessary in this important area. The warnings below may help
fill that gap...

Joel Baumbaugh joel.baumbaugh at navy.mil
SSC-SD. 

  

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.  

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy  
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of  
Weight.  

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute  
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in  
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.  

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"  
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same  
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast  
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds  
that Heisenberg was never quite sure that his principle  
was correct)  

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance  
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product  
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and  
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including  
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be  
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.  

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents  
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,  
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.  

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That  
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,  
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and  
Undetermined State.  

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This  
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent  
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.