How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

["Gerry Blackwood" <gpblackwood@justice.com>]

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq



1. 	Sleep on a cot in the garage.



2. 	Replace the garage door with a curtain.



3. 	Six hours after you go to sleep, have your

spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend whip open the curtain,

shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry,

wrong cot."



4. 	Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet

down from the middle of your bathtub and move the

showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of

soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet

and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two

to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect,

remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed

bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a

neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a

quarter mile away.



5. 	When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the

lights off.



6. 	Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a

wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.



7. 	Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water

and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.



8. 	Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of

the night. Have your family vote on which movie to

watch and then show a different one.



9. 	Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24

hours a day for proper noise level.



10. 	Have the paperboy give you a haircut.



11. 	Once a week, blow compressed air up through your

chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across

and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he

curses you.



12. 	Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.

Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.



13. 	Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut

butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.



14. 	Make up your family menu a week ahead of time

without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce

poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.



15. 	Set your alarm clock to go off at random times

during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and

get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is

no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking

out the garden hose.



16. 	Once a month, take every major appliance

completely apart and put it back together again.



17. 	Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to

sit for five or six hours before drinking.



18. 	Invite at least 185 people you don't really like

because of their strange hygiene habits to come and

visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with

them.



19. 	Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of

your coffee table and lie under it to read books.



20. 	Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of

your front and back doors so that you either trip over

the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time

you pass through one of them.



21. 	Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand

and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your

gun and a flashlight.



22. 	Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas,

"just in case." Every time.



23. 	Announce to your family that they have mail, have

them report to you as you stand outside your open

garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for

the other Smith."



24. 	Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up

the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a

cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat

pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or

removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional

meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know

what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat

the process for another week.



25. 	Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find,

go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar

helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce

to the residents that you are there to help them.



26. 	Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince

yourself it's for Malaria.



27. 	Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes

per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with

your teenage son/daughter.



28. 	Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home

for proper ambiance.



29. 	Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine

blasts and fragmentation.



30. 	While traveling down roads in your car, stop at

each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely

detonated explosives before proceeding.



31. 	Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your

driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear,

tell them all is well, you are just registering

mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable

substitute for their shattered windows.



32. 	Drink your milk and sodas warm.



33. 	Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.



34. 	Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a

clearing barrel you placed outside the front door

before they come in.



35. 	Make your family dig a survivability position with

overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s

are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.



36. 	When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have

him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the

Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Material

Request Form and staple the web page to the back.

Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing.

After two weeks, give your son a different kind of gum.



38. 	Announce to your family that the dog is a vector

for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit

you dug in your neighbor's back yard.



39. 	Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and

announce to your family that there will be no heat/air

conditioning that day so you can perform much needed

maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them

you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.



40. 	Just when you think you're ready to resume a

normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for

another six months to simulate the next deployment

you've been ordered to support.

 



 



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