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Radiation humor











I was cleaning out a mainframe computer account I had from way back around

1997 and stumbled on a collection of jokes and humorous stories from

several people.  I don't recall posting the collection to the group, and

since rad humor is scarce, here's what I've got. If any one has some jokes,

puns, one-liners, or stories they'd like to share, please post  or send 'em

- we can always use a good laugh or at least a smile....



Many thanks to those that replied to me back in 1997 and humble apologies

for being so late. I won't list the authors in order to protect the

innocent.



Thanks,

Jeff

------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff Leavey, CHP                          IBM Corp.

845-892-4595        leaveyja@us.ibm.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

--------------------------------------

Two atoms are walking down the street. The first atom says that he thinks

he lost an electron. The second atom asks are you positive?

--------------------------------------

>From the early days of the Manhattan Project -

One of my professors (who shall remain nameless) was involved in a uranium

contamination/accidental ingestion accident at a national lab.  After he

was cleaned up on the outside, his commanding officer presented him with

two cases of beer and said, "Drink up, pi** it out and get back to work

after the hangover wears off, son."  I have no reason to doubt this story,

given the source.

--------------------------------------

Factoid - Mr. Burns on the Simpsons is based on a real person: Professor

Emeritus Joseph Silverman.  His son, David Silverman, is the Exec. Producer

of the show.  Dr. Silverman worked at ORNL on the Manhattan Project.  The

voice used on the Simpsons is very close to his actual voice which got that

way

by inhaling a good lung full of UF6.

--------------------------------------

Observation - One of my Prof.'s said that time is different for nuclear

engineers than the rest of the world.  It is divided into B.C. and A.C. -

Before Carter and After Carter.

--------------------------------------

True story - About seven years ago a pair of soil scientists were coming

driving back to the university after a long, hot day in the field.  They

had been using a soil moisture neutron probe (50 mCi Am-241/Be), which they

had secured for transport in the back of their pick-up truck with a lock

and chain. If you are not familiar with soil moisture probes, they have

storage cases that look like really nice tool boxes.



They decided that some beers would taste really good, so they stopped at a

bar on the way back to campus.  They neglected to relocate the probe to the

cab of the truck while they imbibed, and somebody cut the chain and ran off

with the case.



Thinking that the chain might have broken and the probe fell out of the

truck during transport, they retraced their route back to the field site in

an effort to locate the probe.  When they failed to find it, they called my

office to report a lost radioactive source.  We called our state agency (an

agreement state), who then called the highway patrol to assist with the

search.



The cops found the probe and case by the side of the road into town, less

than a mile from the bar.  Visual inspection found considerably less dust

on the Yellow-II DOT sticker than on the rest of the case.  We suspect that

once the thief discovered that he/she had a box full of radioactive

material rather than a box full of Craftsman tools, it was unceremoniously

tossed out the car window.



I stress to the class that the moral of the story is that the system

worked. Timely notification of the proper authorities retrieved the RAM,

and even though reprimands were issued, the university was really far more

cross about the stop at the bar.

--------------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a martini.  When the bartender hands

him the drink, the neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?"  The bartender

replies, "For you ... no charge."

--------------------------------------

Want a copy of my pay check?

--------------------------------------

A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party

discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.



The accountant says, "A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you

get tired, you just move on."



The lawyer says, "One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an

extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people".



The physicist says, "You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend.

That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks

you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!"

--------------------------------------

Many (40+) years ago an HP  gave a public lecture on rad hazards, and when

someone asked about genetic effects, he replied "Don't worry! Two heads are

better than one". He was officially reprimanded, of course.

--------------------------------------

At the end of rad safety course for naval officers, the senior one asked

"My colleagues and I would be grateful if you could explain one small point

to us. What's the difference between a rem, a rad and a gonad?"

--------------------------------------

Observation: Radiation workers on campus are likely to find themselves in

more danger administratively than physically.

--------------------------------------

At the 1965 HP Society convention plenary session on public opinion and

public perception, one of the comments from the floor went something like

this:

"Of course the public is afraid of radiation; the first really public

awareness of atomic radiation came with the atomic bombs; the next kind of

awareness was that only people like Einstein could understand it; then the

next awareness that radiation could make people sterile. So, 'radiation'

encompasses the three greatest fears of mankind - fear of war, fear of

mystery, and fear of sex."

--------------------------------------

The term "health physics" originated as a code term because we didn't want

to give away the purpose of the Manhattan Project. One indication of its

success is that, over 50 years later, nobody still knows what it means.

--------------------------------------

True story - a research group was making some measurements at a facility in

the interest of using cyclotron neutrons for cancer therapy.  Part of the

experimental setup for the cell cultures and plants to be irradiated was to

establish depth-dose curves in a water phantom.  This required submerging

an ion chamber in water. The usual way to waterproof the chamber was to

cover it with a couple of condoms -- easy to find around a hospital, but

not remembered when packing the equipment.  One of the researchers

immediately took the initiative to rush to a local shopping center, rush

into a pharmacy, and rush to the counter at the back.  Arriving somewhat

breathless, he gasped out his request for a box of condoms.  The pharmacist

respond with a "Whoa, there, big fella." tone of voice, and asked "What

kind?"  The response - "It doesn't matter, just so they will take 600

volts!"

--------------------------------------

Two individuals are looking over a large nuclear power plant and one says:

"Of course it's perfectly safe.  Any accident would be in complete

violation of

the guidelines established by the Federal Nuclear Regulatory Commission."

--------------------------------------

You may have seen this sign:

DANGER

10,000

OHMS

--------------------------------------

Six months ago, I couldn't spell H.P.  Now I are one.

--------------------------------------

One way to understand the biological effects of the different types of

radiation (from an old nuc navy type) -



You are given four cookies....an alpha cookie, a beta cookie, a gamma

cookie and a neutron cookie.  You have four things you can do with the

cookies....one per cookie:



You can: eat a cookie, put a cookie in your pocket, hold a cookie in your

hand and throw one away. What do you do with each cookie?



Eat-gamma, pocket-beta, hold-alpha, throw-neutron.

--------------------------------------

What crosses the road and glows:   Chicken Kiev.

--------------------------------------

You know you're in trouble when you go for your uptake exam and the nurse

brings in a Teletector and a tube of K-Y.

--------------------------------------

I am surprised that anyone would ask for a joke about such a serious

subject. Based on the LNT theory, a single joke, properly distributed could

destroy the sense of humor of the world's population.

--------------------------------------

I would expect that everyone knows that a Alpha Ray is a wayward helium

nucleus.

Q: But does anyone know what an Alphie Ray is?

A: That's what you get exposed to when you watch a Michael Caine movie.

--------------------------------------

Remember, (Rad) Waste is a terrible thing to mind.

--------------------------------------

Seen in a cartoon - A stereotypical corporate executive marching away from

a nuclear power station is surrounded by a virtual herd of reporters.

Caption below?  "Don't worry!  Whatever we damage with nuclear power, we

can fix with genetic engineering!!"

--------------------------------------

There was a fellow who was in his 50's, all of about 5'5" and probably well

over 300 lbs.  Very very nice fellow, shocking white hair -- the little

that was left!  We were training first responders for emergency response,

and some of these folks (firemen, policemen, bus drivers..) were pretty

leery of radiation.  My coworker would stand up in front of them, rocking

back and forth a little, arms spread wide, and proceed to explain "Now I

know some of you are worried about radiation, but when I started in the

nuclear industry over 30 years ago, I was 6'4", fit and chock full of

muscles, full head of hair... AND as you can see, I

haven't changed a bit!"  Well, the entire class would burst out laughing,

easing the tension.



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