Interview at the NPP (humor?) 1 of 2

["Jim Hoerner" <jim_hoerner@HOTMAIL.COM>]

THE FOLLOWING IS a transcript of an actual, not-at-all-made-up, 

swear-to-God-it-happened interview I conducted with the new safety inspector 

at the Point Lepreau Nuclear Reactor outside Saint John. The interview 

appears exactly as it occurred, and exactly as it would have appeared in 

Maclean's magazine, had the editor not laughed in my face.  And as Dave 

Barry says, I am not making this up.



ME: I realize this is an unprofessional way to begin an interview, but I 

never got your name.



SAFETY INSPECTOR: Oh, I never gave my name. You see, we're required by law 

just to go by the title "Safety Inspector." That way when something goes 

wrong there won't be a lynch mob at my door.



ME: Of course, you mean "if" something goes wrong.



SI: Yeah, sure.



ME: Okay, let me begin by asking you how you came to receive this posting, 

and who you are replacing.



SI: You may begin.



ME: How did you come to receive this posting? And who are you replacing?



SI: First of all, I replaced a fellow who was getting on in years...



ME: How old was he?



SI: Thirty-one. That sounds young, I know, but in Nuclear Power Plant Years 

that comes out to... double the age... add 30... 92. As for how I came to 

work here, I was a safety inspector in one of the nuclear power plants in 

Ontario. As you know, we've had some problems. The particular plant I was at 

had to be closed down due to safety concerns.



ME: So they sent you here? That doesn't seem right.



SI: Well, they figured since I had lots of experience with safety problems I 

was the perfect man for the job.



ME: The power plant is currently in the midst of a shutdown. Could you 

explain to our readers why a shutdown is necessary?



SI: The best way to describe it in layman's terms is to think of it like a 

television that's never shut off. For a few months it's okay. Then there are 

a few months where we keep hitting it on the side to keep it going, and this 

is the time of year where we unplug it because the plug is extremely hot.



ME: How are your co-workers' spirits knowing they are working at such a 

heavily scrutinized facility?



SI: Well, there's sort of a glow about everyone.



ME: So they're happy?



SI: No, there's just sort of a glow about everyone.



ME: I see, and what kind of procedures have you been enforcing to ensure 

that safety regulations are upheld?



SI: Well, I believe in a very hands-on, in-your-face approach to safety. For 

instance, each new employee must take some nuclear waste, and put it on 

their hands and in their face. That way everyone knows what it looks like.



ME: Um, wouldn't that cause severe radiation poisoning?



SI: That would explain the rash everyone's been getting.



ME: Aren't you going to do something about this?



SI: Well I guess I'll have to send back all that baby powder, for starters.



ME: Didn't you notice the hair loss? The nausea?



SI: I was told that's par for the course here.



ME: Well, that's true, but don't you have any safety protocol in place at 

all?



SI: Sure, sure. If anything goes wrong there will be all kinds of red lights 

flashing, signs that say "Danger," people screaming. I, personally, will 

whimper like a schoolgirl. We just had a drill this morning. They weren't 

really up to

it at first, but once I got around to them I whipped them into shape. 

Screams like you wouldn't believe.



ME: I think now would be a good time to ask you what you have to say to 

those people that claim nuclear power is unsafe.



SI: Oh, those people are so paranoid. I bet they watch a lot of that 

paranoid TV. You know, Mysteries of the Unexplained, X-Files, W-5.



ME: W-5 is a documentary.



SI: It is? We're in a lot of trouble.



ME: Well, we don't have a lot of time left so...



SI: Who told you!? The announcement isn't until... Oh. You mean the 

interview, don't you? Please, continue.



ME: Thank you. What is the general reaction of safety inspectors to the 

constant jokes about, and comparisons to, Homer Simpson.



SI: D'oh!



ME: And that concludes the interview.



SI: Woohoo!!  Duff time!



[part two later at Know_Nukes]



--

Hold the door for the stranger behind you.  When the driver a 

half-car-length in front of you signals to get over, slow down.  Smile and 

say "hi" to the folks you pass on the sidewalk.  Give blood.  Volunteer.











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