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RE: How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
Ex Navy, Ex Gulf War Vet, Ex Navy RSO. Thanks for the nice start to a Monday.
-----Original Message-----
From: owner-radsafe@list.Vanderbilt.Edu
[mailto:owner-radsafe@list.Vanderbilt.Edu]On Behalf Of Gerry Blackwood
Sent: Saturday, December 13, 2003 22:28
To: g2v13a@SWBELL.NET
Cc: radsafe@list.Vanderbilt.Edu; P.Caram@verizon.net
Subject: Re: How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
Thanks Doug,
Yes humor is good for the soul even and especially for
scientists, myself included. Flaming e-mails do not
bother me, heck 27 years with Uncle Sam and all the
stupidity that brought with it, my skin is like rock.
Regards
Gerry
On Sat, 13 Dec 2003 21:19:19 -0600, Douglas and Shirley
Jackson wrote:
>
> Gerry,
>
> A desenter's opinion --- I found your e-mail to be
very
> funny. Oh wait,
> I have been in similar circumstances. Besides, we
> (those that I served
> with) used humor when faced with difficult and spartan
> conditions while
> in the service of our country. This commonly occurs,
> in my experience,
> when people are in difficult conditions. Humor seems
> to make the
> difficult conditions easier to handle --- with less
> friction toward
> those going through it all with you.
>
> Flaming e-mails are just routine on this list. I have
> received many ---
> I believe --- unjustly. No doubt, I shall receive
many
> more.
>
> Doug
>
> Douglas D. Jackson
> St. Louis, MO
> (A strong supporter of our troops.)
> (A skeptic on most other issues)
> -----------------------------------------
> Gerry Blackwood wrote:
>
> >How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
> >
> >1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
> >
> >2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
> >
> >3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your
> >spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend whip open the curtain,
> >shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry,
> >wrong cot."
> >
> >4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic
sheet
> >down from the middle of your bathtub and move the
> >showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of
> >soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the
toilet
> >and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave
two
> >to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect,
> >remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed
> >bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and
use a
> >neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a
> >quarter mile away.
> >
> >5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep
the
> >lights off.
> >
> >6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a
> >wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
> >
> >7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water
> >and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator
smell.
> >
> >8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of
> >the night. Have your family vote on which movie to
> >watch and then show a different one.
> >
> >9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24
> >hours a day for proper noise level.
> >
> >10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
> >
> >11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your
> >chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across
> >and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he
> >curses you.
> >
> >12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a
week.
> >Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
> >
> >13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a
peanut
> >butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
> >
> >14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time
> >without looking in your food cabinets or
refrigerator.
> >Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable
sauce
> >poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
> >
> >15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
> >during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed
and
> >get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there
is
> >no hot water by running out into your yard and
breaking
> >out the garden hose.
> >
> >16. Once a month, take every major appliance
> >completely apart and put it back together again.
> >
> >17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to
> >sit for five or six hours before drinking.
> >
> >18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like
> >because of their strange hygiene habits to come and
> >visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with
> >them.
> >
> >19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom
of
> >your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
> >
> >20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of
> >your front and back doors so that you either trip
over
> >the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time
> >you pass through one of them.
> >
> >21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand
> >and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your
> >gun and a flashlight.
> >
> >22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass
gas,
> >"just in case." Every time.
> >
> >23. Announce to your family that they have mail,
have
> >them report to you as you stand outside your open
> >garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's
for
> >the other Smith."
> >
> >24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up
> >the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a
> >cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat
> >pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing
or
> >removing the mildew, proudly wear them to
professional
> >meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't
know
> >what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat
> >the process for another week.
> >
> >25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can
find,
> >go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar
> >helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot.
Announce
> >to the residents that you are there to help them.
> >
> >26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince
> >yourself it's for Malaria.
> >
> >27. Demand each family member be limited to 10
minutes
> >per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with
> >your teenage son/daughter.
> >
> >28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your
home
> >for proper ambiance.
> >
> >29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from
mine
> >blasts and fragmentation.
> >
> >30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at
> >each overpass and culvert and inspect them for
remotely
> >detonated explosives before proceeding.
> >
> >31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your
> >driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear,
> >tell them all is well, you are just registering
> >mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable
> >substitute for their shattered windows.
> >
> >32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
> >
> >33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
> >
> >34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in
a
> >clearing barrel you placed outside the front door
> >before they come in.
> >
> >35. Make your family dig a survivability position
with
> >overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the
4x4s
> >are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
> >
> >36. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum,
have
> >him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the
> >Internet and print out the web page. Type up a
Material
> >Request Form and staple the web page to the back.
> >Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing.
> >After two weeks, give your son a different kind of
gum.
> >
> >38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector
> >for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit
> >you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
> >
> >39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year
and
> >announce to your family that there will be no
heat/air
> >conditioning that day so you can perform much needed
> >maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them
> >you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
> >
> >40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a
> >normal life, order yourself to repeat this process
for
> >another six months to simulate the next deployment
> >you've been ordered to support.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >_________________________________________________
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>
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